Mitsuko Four
In the course of neckbeard events it sometimes becomes necessary for our people to groan, lay our industrial sized bag of Cheetos on the ground, gradually lumber forward in our tattered pleather chairs with shot hydraulics, and attach clothes pins to our sausage fingers so we're capable of typing. Only an issue of direst importance can and should distract us from our daily crapupulence, in this case, a femavolence. This menace, nor the necessary steps needed to counter it, is not unprecedented. In the past the TLDR has been endangered by the likes of Waterwitch and Nortebella, and I fear our current femalevolent force is greater, and more insidious, than any ever faced before by the TLDR. Citizens of TLDR, we come to you this afternoon asking for your understanding and forgiveness for a rare breach in forum policy which has just occurred- that precious bulwark of egalitarianism which has been a foundation of TLDR society and culture for four years: the no-ban rule. The poster popularly known as “Jane” must be stopped, no matter the cost. Her account must be deleted. Her IP must be banned. We bring before you, in bullet format, our grievances against Jane: *She is a tick upon the oily, Rubenesque figure of humor. Whenever a meme or humorous post simple enough for her to understand is posted she latches onto it and sucks it dry faster than a Vietnamese prostitute with vacuum cleaners for prosthetic arms and mouth who is also really bad at making analogies. To make its digestion easier, she (Jane, not the hypothetical prostitute) frequently regurgitates it upon our faces, repeating the same lines ad nauseam in some insane expectation that we are as blind to repetition and monotony as she is, butchering the meme/joke beyond all recognition. She is a pastiche of our best and worst moments ground into idle, banal chatter. *After using her above mentioned "talent" to create an unfavorable posting environment, she fills the recess with dozens of near identical posts apparently crafted from a template, though she undoubtedly types each one with novelistic joy. While most background posters would be content to just say, "today at work everyone was a dick" Jane manages to stretch that out to two paragraphs and signatures it with "eat shit", which, in her defense, is fitting since even that sounds like an appealing choice compared to reading her posts. *While all but the most repugnant female posters attract simps, and almost all lead them on to some degree, femalevolences take it to another level exceeding that, each having a perverse kind of animal magnetism. The animal most likely being a sperm whale or perhaps a larger deep sea animal not yet discovered, I say this not only because of the frequently high weight of femalevolences but also because of the gravity well of personality they weave, one that sucks in unwitting men who are otherwise immune to the wiles of female posters. Thus entangled, these men oft find it hard if not impossible to escape the spiraling hell of the femalevolence's pseudo-life. More so than any of her predecessors, Jane has taken forum whoring to horrifying, previously unimaginable excesses. With the exception of Red Pill and Skinman, there is not a poster on the forum that she has not tried to get her lacquered claws into. Good men have all fallen to her, good men (and not so good) such as Scyle, Lazrik, Qwee, Ensui, Kayc, Lixler, Bramblefist, Mitten (I'm listing her as a man since Jane started lusting after her the second she got a sufficiently manly haircut. Frankly, with Mitten's appearance, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner), Destu, Block, and Tiz have all been debauched by her corrupting taint. Also are the men harassed relentlessly by her to the point where it may have negatively affected their posting, men like Pheerbeard and Fugs. Jane even managed to enslave the only person sluttier than her: Xeffu. Gentlemen, as unpleasant as this task might be, it must be done. Good night, and G-d grant us the strength we need. Category:TLDR History